What is a “clearing” in relationship?
Recently I asked someone with whom I had gone through a painful experience in our relationship for “a clearing.” His immediate response was to say yes while also asking what I mean by “a clearing.” That’s a good question. For people who don’t run in circles where this is a common practice, knowing and understanding what is being asked of them when they agree to a clearing is important.
A clearing is a way of communicating an experience you’ve had with a person you care about honestly, responsibly, and vulnerably. How I think of it is, you are consciously participating in a process to clear your relationship of suppressed negativity on an experiential, emotional, and energetic level. This allows you both to release pain, hurt, judgement, and misunderstandings so that authentic healing takes place and the only thing left is the love.
I was listening to a Deja Blu podcast (**see info below) with Aubrey Marcus as her guest. They are dear friends and had a great conversation about not only what a clearing in relationship is, but why it’s so important. Here is a transcript of this part of their conversation with some paraphrasing to make it coherent to capture in writing:
Blu: “Our relationship has been founded in the “What the fuck is happening” moments, the crunchy moments! When those crunchy moments come up, and I have a clearing with you and then get to be witnessed by you in those moments, that is what has created the cement and the foundation of the granite solidity that is our connection now. I want to ask you, when we can move through those crunchy emotions, what is found on the other side of showing up to the altar of the discomfort?”
Aubrey: “The efficacy of this, is the willingness to continue to go into the depth until everything is actually illuminated that's possible to illuminate. That's the foundation for relationship. You have to be willing to go in there because if you're going to look away and you don't wanna actually go in, then there'll be broken glass shards that will continue to cut and continue to hurt when you step on them. You know, what’s left unspoken will continue to create pain in those glass shards, then it will become a glass monster that becomes something that ultimately creates a wedge and eats the love that's available between you. So it's a commitment to continue to go in until everything is illuminated and explored with just radical commitment to being honest and being vulnerable and taking ownership and responsibility for anything that's there. And keep going, keep going so that when you do have a clearing there's not remnants that remain that then accumulate and then the remnants that accumulate then create the ultimate divide because resentments grow from those remnants. To me, that's the key thing, you keep going, you keep going until there's nothing left.”
Blu: “That has been a really interesting thing for me to witness between our friendship is that when there are no undone shadows between us, when there is no unspoken words, we're vibing. We don't even actually need to say anything to each other. We're like picking up telepathically. Our conversation is just one look passed between us. We have it, you know It's so much like the idea of the warrior heartbeat is one. Like that really is the essence of what I feel when I'm on the same page with you. Recognizing that the formation of a very genuine, deep relationship is founded in the ability and the willingness to show up to the altar with our heart out and reveal this part of myself. In lives in our ability to communicate it with the tools of taking ownership of what it is that we're actually feeling with the compassion and a genuine empathy to understand the other person's perspective.”
How do you know a clearing is necessary? Well, I would offer you know because there is something living inside of you that is still thinking about it, judging the other person, feeling wronged, unheard, unseen, and unappreciated. You may still be feeling angry, hurt, sad, or hopeless. You keep telling yourself or others the story of what happened that triggered you. You know because you are having ongoing emotions coming up and whatever is happening inside of you is creating separation. Another way to know is if something new happens to trigger you, and it has a cascade effect of bringing up past events that triggered you and were not cleared.
Here is how they talked about the knowing:
Blu & Aubrey: “It's this kind of constant noise. It's like the leaf blowers that follow me wherever I go. Like it's just there, you know you get this feeling of a buzz, like there's something that needs to be cleared and I'm grateful for that, right? Because you know that sensitivity then allows for the impetus of the clearing itself. To know you need to go in and just clear it all, it's essential. On the other side of a full clearing is an even deeper level of connection and intimacy!”
Some of my favorite lines are as follows:
“showing up to the altar of the discomfort”: The ability to recognize the discomfort has the potential to be the sacred space where real growth & connection happens. If handled well, this is where authentic safety inside the relationship is built. The good times are easy to navigate, it’s the crunchy times that show us who we really are as a couple.
“the willingness to continue to go into the depth until everything is actually illuminated that's possible to illuminate & “continue to go in until everything is illuminated and explored with just radical commitment to being honest and being vulnerable and taking ownership and responsibility for anything that's there””: It’s the depth that is so important, clearing is not moving the superficial stuff out of the way, it’s about getting down into the shadow work that makes the biggest impact.
“It lives in our ability to communicate it with the tools of taking ownership of what it is that we're actually feeling with the compassion and a genuine empathy to understand the other person's perspective.”: This says it all!
**About the Deja Blu podcast in her own words: DeJa Blu is a space to dive deep into the unknown. Uncovering the mysteries of unlocking the potential of the human experience. Blu is here to get raw, unscripted and unapologetic in sharing her own personal journey of awakening into her truth with the intention to help others come home into their heart.
BLU:
https://www.instagram.com/bluofearth/
https://www.bluofearth.com/
https://www.florescence.earth